Keep Out! Orochimaru's Diary You too Kabuto
by Konorai
Summary: Being an evil half-snake, body wanting, akatsuki dropout,Konaha rouge is tough. And Orochimaru gets that. So where does all the pressure go? Click to find out! I rated it M beacuse there are something in it that wouldn't be good to put in a T rating.
1. Sasuke's Training

_**Keep Out! Orochimaru's Diary (That means you Kabuto)**_

September 15

Dear Diary,

I wish that Sasuke would hurry up with his training. I will need a new body soon. Some days I see Sasuke working his butt off. Other days, he sulks in his room. What is his problem? He has a perfect life compared to mine. All he has to deal with is a brother that he has sworn to kill because of the tragedy of the Uchiha Massacre. Me, I have to deal with an incompetent servant that gets my eye shadow all mixed up! He puts the chartreuse with the purple, and the black around the grey and white. I mean, who does that?! Anyway, I…hey…hey…Kabuto get out of here! I'm in the shower! Gosh that guy, "Why do you have a diary?" he says. "Why do you write in it in the shower?" he says. "Get a job!" he says. Sometimes these people drive me nuts! But I have dirt on them that they don't even know I have. …Is anyone here…? …Good. Sasuke wears briefs and bras. He wears the bras for fun and when he runs out of clean ones, he borrows some from Kabuto! Why does Kabuto have bras in the first place? What, are they both perverted or something?


	2. Fangirls

September 17

Dear Diary,

I found the Kyubii kid sneaking around the base screaming, "I WANT SASUKE! I WANT SASUKE!" … well it was either him or fangirls. In fact I saw the Akatsuki running around in circles panicking about fangirls, all except Deidara who was already being glomped. Kabuto has been threatening to leave if I let even one fangirl through our door. But I think he's already been attacked. Me, I am currently in the attic with a bag of chips, a flashlight, a bottle of Coca-Cola, my stuffed snake, my real snake, a pen, and this diary. The world is going to come to an end if this continues, which is why I think I'm imagining seeing fangirls in the attic right now looking for Sasuke. Oh my God, did that girl just glomp that picture of Itachi? Let me tell you, the world is crazy, even crazier then that Rock Lee kid after he drinks alcohol, and I still have the emotional scars from when he got drunk then got in the base……….


	3. The Return of Rock Lee

September 18

Dear Diary,

I just woke up. Apparently I was knocked out by something…or, SOMEONE. …No…It can't be. Let me check in the hallway in case…….! What was that?! There it goes again! It…it's green….and fast……and has a bottle of…….SAKE?! OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE! It's…..Rock Lee Drunken Fist style! "DUN DUN DUN!" Kabuto get out of here! Lee's here! OH MY GOD NOT THE FISH TANK! CATCH HIM! "He's too fast sir!" Wait….he gone….. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" OH MY GOD SASUKE! "But, Orochimaru-san, Sasuke's probably already dead." NO! SASUKE-KUN! "….Orochimaru-sama….you're staring to sound like a fangirl." …. Well we should go check on him.

Later on in Sasuke's Room:

Sasuke….he's unconscious and his eyes are like, those two big white circles when an anime character see's something really disturbing. He's covered in papers, pictures actually of…………….Itachi?! …Lee could be anywhere by now. Even…. "OH MY GOD!" ….The Akatsuki Base. Kukukukukuku……


	4. Ordering Pizza

September 19

Dear Diary,

Kabuto kept insisting that we order pizza for dinner last night. I would have agreed, but I don't want Sasuke to eat any. I want my new body to look good; Or Sasuke might end up as fa- "GRR!" I mean….Chubby, as Choji. *sigh* Here's a little recap with my chat with the pizza guy.

(FLASH BACK!)

"Hi, uh….here's your pizza…." Uh…Thanks. So how much is it? "Uh….I don't know. Just take it. I'm late for summer school." Oh…It…It's Free? "Yeah whatever." Awesome! Later. "Bye."

(1 hour later)

*Ding Dong!* Who would come to my base so randomly? "Hello is this the residence of Orochimaru?" Well it's less of a residence; it's more of a secret evil base. "I really don't care. You're under arrest for the stealing of a perfectly good pizza. Wait, what's going on?! I AM OROCHIMARU! RELEASE ME! "Shut it!" Yes sir…

(END OF FLAHSBACK)

So where am I writing this from you ask? Well….I must have you know that, I am writing this in a COLD, DARK PRISON WITH ATILLA THE HUN HERE, no offence, AND THIS SMELLY HOBO GUY!!! "Sup." I DON'T KNOW YOU!!! AND I DIDN'T STEAL THE PIZZA!!!!


	5. Kabuto the Super Pervert

September 20

Dear Diary,

I was released from prison recently. Parole. I heard awkward noises coming from Kabuto's room. I peeked inside, only to be scared emotionally for a lifetime. Kabuto was in his bed lying on a pillow, making out with it. Kabuto was erect. REALLY erect. I didn't even know if I was looking at Kabuto anymore!

But things just got worse. Sasuke ran inside to see what was going on. His curiosity got the best of him and his pure, innocent eyes were PERVERTED by Kabuto's scene. For the rest of the day, Kabuto made sick remarks to Sasuke and me. That just goes to show you, I'm not the gay one. Kabuto is.

By the way, I DO NOT MOLEST LITTLE BOYS!


	6. How do you lose a Flast Screen TV?

September 21

Dear Diary,

I lost the TV. That's right. I lost the giant flat screen TV. Now I know what you're thinking. Either you're thinking, "OROCHIMARU HAS A FLATSCREEN TV?" or you're thinking, "How do you lose a flat screen TV?" Well I….Hey, Sasuke! Come back here! Where did you get that wad of cash?!

(Later on)

YOU DID WHAT!? The TV was not EBay material! OH NO! I'm missing my programs! "You mean, the soap operas, or Dora the Explorer?" GET OUT OF HERE KABUTO!


	7. Kabuto makes Dinner

September 27

Dear Diary,

For once, Kabuto is going to get his lazy butt in gear. He's making dinner tonight. I'm afraid something like this will never happen again so I'm going to get very ready for this rare event.

"Orochimaru-chan, do I really have to wear this?"

Oh shut up Sasuke. I've always wanted to see you in a tux. Anyway, I have so much to do! I gotta charge that camera, adjust Sasuke's tie, and make myself pretty!

"……."

Sasuke don't give me that look. Evil sanin can be just as pretty as gay emos.

(Dinner Time)

"Thank you for helping me set the table Orochimaru-sama."

Oh Kabuto it was my pleasure!

"BUT I DID ALL THE WORK! I WAS THE ONE WHO SET THE TABLE!"

Shut up Sasuke.

….What are you guys waiting for? Let's dig in!

(Later)

Wow Kabuto! This is amazing! What is it?! I just gotta know!

"It's…..Snake surprise."

Hm. *puts some more in his mouth* I wonder why they call it….

*SPITS IT OUT*

KABUTO YOU MANIAC!


	8. Dr Seuss Day

September 28

(Read with no expression for interesting effect)

Hip-hip, Hooray…

It's Day.

Because of the timing,

We cannot stop rhyming.

Sasuke, why aren't you training?

"THE TOILET'S NOT DRAINING!"

All of my books,

Kabuto has cooked.

I can't take a shower,

My arms have no power.

This day makes me sad…

I'M GONNA GO MAD!

I so hate this day.

I am seeing red.

To hell with today.

I'm going to bed.


	9. Ripped Pages

September 29

Dear Diary,

The fangirls have finally killed Sasuke. I now have no purpose in life. Kabuto has ripped out every page in this diary exept this one so that I can't draw pictures of Sasuke's…..DELECIOUS…..body…..AND NO, I AM NOT A CHILD MOLESTER!

…so this is my last entry….sad….isn't it? I wish I could write more. That Kabuto is dead. Dead….

DEAD! YA HEAR ME! D-E-D!

DEAD!

Oh….Mr. Stuffums! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I scared you! It's okay. Mommy's here. Mommy's here….


End file.
